Phone calls, letters, distractions, and Avery's party

So I thought I should update again since it's been a while. Erik's been gone 19 days. If I'm not directly being spoken to or distracted my heart aches so badly in my chest that it's hard to breathe. The strangest things make me cry. Like today when I was two minutes late handing in my tithing and they asked me to hold onto it until next week since they'd already closed out. Or in the temple visitor's center when the video said "Marriage: You're never too far apart if you're still holding hands." What the freakin' heck was I thinking? How on earth did I think I was strong enough to handle this? I'm not. It hurts so bad. He called yesterday and we got to talk for 9 minutes and 58 seconds. He said it was probably the only time he would get to call. I got a letter from him on Thursday. He really needs prayers. I've been writing him every day and he says that he's probably gotten the most mail out of everyone there. My friends are being really great and helping keep me distracted, especially the Denneys, Striegels, and Johnsons. I just hate being over there so much because I know I'm seriously encroaching on their family time, and it's not fair to them and I really don't want to be a burden. I couldn't bring myself to go to church today because I couldn't handle sitting there alone again. I went at around 11:20 to hand in my tithing since I knew that the Bishopric would still be there but the rest of the people from my ward would already be gone. Poor Avery fell off the bed tonight while we were getting her ready for bed and she raked her arm along the side of her garbage can and has this long strawberry from about mid-forearm to about mid-bicep. At least part of it is going to bruise. After I put bandaids on and kissed it better we laid in her bed and looked at pictures of me from when I was a baby. I looked a lot like she does now. That really distracted her from her arm. Then we said our prayers, read a story that kept jumping out of my hands (another way to make her laugh), sang popcorn popping, had kisses and hugs (and an extra glass of milk), and she was off to sleep. It's the nights that are the hardest. I always try to think up excuses to avoid going to bed so i don't have to lay there alone. Last night, after going to bed way too late, I dreamed that these animated angels were pointing bows and arrows at me, my brother, his fiancé, and Avery. We were surrounded by stone walls behind us and on both our sides, and I had Avery sheilded behind me, but I didn't worry at first because I thought vaguely about how it was like a movie and someone would come in to save us. But then the first arrows started shooting past my head and I was blasted by the shockwave from the force behind them as they flew past me, and felt the stone wall behind me shattering as the arrows struck and buried deep into them. I screamed in helpless terror as they came closer and closer to my head and was struck with the startling revelation that no one was coming to save us. Then my alarm clock woke me. That should have been a huge sign to me that said, "Get up and go to church" but I wasn't ready to face another day. So I fell asleep again and woke when Avery came in at 8. I took a shower, bathed Avery, and thought we'd make it for Sunday School and Relief Society, but that's when I really felt like I couldn't take it. One Tree Hill and the Gilmore Girls proved pretty good distractions for a while, but they weren't the spiritual uplift that I needed in order to get through the rest of the day. Or week. Singing hymns helped as I was getting Avery ready for bed. I need to read scriptures though. Tomorrow will be a good distraction. We're building a cardboard castle out of refrigerator boxes for Avery's birthday party on Thursday. Planning her party is fun because I'm thinking about her and less about me and Erik, plus it gives me something to look forward to that's closer than April 30th. Reading back through I realize just how depressing all this is, and I'm really considering not posting it, but I've spent so much time typing it that it would feel like a waste if I didn't. Oh well. Whoever reads this, don't worry about me. Most days are better than this one, and all of them are making me stronger. Just say a quick prayer for Erik, Avery, and me, and we'll be just fine.

Amy